While out running today I was struggling really badly. Yesterday I really pushed myself because Doug went out running with William and me. By went with us I mean he road his bike along side of us and William loved it. But rather than making the normal loop that we have been pushing for and working up to Doug suggested we take a new route. A route that was longer, far more bumpy, and not one that we had been practicing our pace on. We of course went along but I was determined to beat my normal path distance times. This was hard because there were more bumps, curves, and miniature hills than the road we normally take; BUT I did it. I sucked it up and kicked butt rather than learning the new path and taking it easy like I knew in the back of my mind I should have done.
.This morning I woke up insanely sore but I put on a “lets go” face because we had mommy and me to get to and lots of laundry to do today. As the day progressed I started to get tired, my head started to ache, I was getting into a really bad funk but I still had so much to do so I pushed on. Doug mentioned dinner and needing to get stuff from the store so I suggested he take William so that I could have a solo run. I decided to do our normal running path and I REALLY thought I was going to CRUSH my distance times because I didn’t have the stroller. But the thing was I actually did worse. My muscles were sore, my body ached, my head just wasn't in it so I didn’t give it my all.
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By now you're like “umm i’m confused, what does this story have anything to do with depression?” Well the thing is ever since I had William I have had serious days of cloud and sadness and literally give no F’s about anything days. Some days I wake up to the sound of William crying and I literally feeling nothing. I get up and attend to his needs but there is no motherly feeling of “awe my sweet baby, I’ll make it all better”. This is considered postpartum depression. It’s not that I don’t love the literal miracle we created, it just means that there are days where struggle just to get through my days. I figured out something was wrong about four months into him being here but by then my insurance was gone and I had to figure out ways to cope on my own. For me exercise and eating properly is a way to help keep my cloudy days at bay. But it’s not always easy.
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While on my run today, as I was struggling to just finish each quarter of a mile I realized that running is a lot like depression. When you first start running your in a fog, you have no idea whats going on, it’s hard to get through, you hurt all over, you feel physically disconnected from your body, and you have no idea how it really happened. With depression there are similar feelings of fogginess, you don’t understand the feelings, somedays your body just hurts all over and you didn’t do anything that would have caused physical pain, you can look at an object or a person you care so much about and feel absolutely nothing, and you just don’t know whats going on. However the more often you run the better you get, the stronger your muscles become, the further you are able to go without stopping and you slowly stop feeling like you're going to die every thirty seconds. It’s very similar with depression. Once you pin point whats happened you are able to work through some of the issues associated. You are able to find ways to cope whether through medication, exercise, a healthy diet, therapy, talking with a good friend about it, confiding in a loved one, etc.
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Everyone copes with depression differently. There’s no perfect solution. I make an effort every day to push play on my Beachbody workouts or go for a run so that I can keep the fog away. My solution doesn't always work but it has drastically improved my ability to function on a day to day since figuring out what was going on. However I still have a number of triggers that will set off my funk and I work hard to avoid them. Being an introvert I tend to keep to myself and only get on social media for work, like I did the past few days I kinda ghosted social media. But I know that when I don't connect with friends or family semi regularly I feel lonely and it makes my depression worse. There are days when I ask Doug for help with William and his solution is to sit in a chair with his cell phone scrolling FB or IG calling Williams name from a separate room repeatedly and somehow I end up managing William, this upsets me and I get into a funk. Sometimes when William and I just hang around the house all day and play or read or work our sign language and I get asked “so what are you doing, what did you do today” I feel stupid saying “nothing really” because I feel judged for “not leaving the house to earn my keep”. There are times where I want to simply hop on a plane and fly home because I miss my family but I realize I have responsibilities here and I can’t just pick up on a whim anymore and that will get me into a funk. Not having face to face contact with other adults for days on end will get me into a funk. The list could go on of things I have pinpointed that trigger my moods but the point is I am actively working on figuring out what sets me off and trying to either avoid those triggers or make an effort to ensure those triggers aren't an issue.
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Everyone manages life differently. Depression isn’t something many people like to talk about because they think it’s taboo and if they don’t talk about it then it’s not an issue. But the reality of the situation is that’s simply not true. I know that I have only talked to two very close friends about it, but I know that when you do talk about something openly you inadvertently help someone. Depression doesn’t just go away, you have to actively work to get better. Just like you do with running, you don’t lace up your tennis shoes, hit the pavement and instantly become a racing success, no you have to actively work to get better. Yes I do realized that running you inflict on yourself and depression is a chemical imbalance but when you're in your slump the sentiments are the same.
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For those of you who don’t suffer I want to offer a tiny piece of advice. Just because you see someone with a smile on their face doesn't mean they are suffering in some way. I have been at the grocery store with William before in total meltdown mode because I needed to get stuff for dinner but it was nap time and people have been major jerks to me. While I have simply just turned and smiled at them I have literally been on the verge of tears because the day has simply just been ridiculously hard to get through without adding in the meltdown. Be kind with your words to others. Don't be rude to your cashier at checkout because her line was long. Don’t be snotty to your server because your drink was only 3/4 of the way full. he may have had a death in the family but couldn't afford a day off- servers don't have paid leave. Don’t use the words “Oh your just a mom” to ANY mother who chooses to stay home and raise their children, child care maybe isn't something that family can afford and it might already bother her. Think before you speak because you never know if your words could be what pushes someone over the edge in their decision to end their life.
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Every day I actively work to manage my new found funk. But there are so many people out there suffering and not getting the help they need. They don’t have a support system who can help them through those especially dark times. They don't have the tool necessary to support the improvement in their life necessary for daily function. I am still very much learning, every single day, how best to manage life with this new speed bump but I am working on it. Just like I do every day with my health and fitness I now actively work on my depression. If you or someone you know is suffering and you just don’t know where to go or what to do I BEG you to reach out. Reach out to me, reach out to a loved one, reach out to a friend, reach out to a complete stranger if that’s more comfortable but ask for help! Don’t suffer alone!! Let someone help you find a way to manage your pain because you don’t have to do it alone. You can get better, there are sunny days ahead, you're going to have to work for them but in the end the results are so much better than where you started.
xoxo,
Lauren
“Smiling doesn’t always mean you’re happy, sometimes it means you're strong”
